RE: Why I Am Staying Navy

 

 

A Mom’s Reply to Her Navy Son…

{;0) See all that training at home has prepped you for the Navy Life (0;}

 

 

REASONS WHY:  "I AM STAYING NAVY!!":

 

1.      Yesterday sucked, today sucked, tomorrow is going to suck, and this seems to be a pretty solid forecast for the rest of my enlistment.

OK Mom told you that it’s not really as boring as you thought at home – sounds like you have discovered something more boring than it is at home

 

2.      Spending 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year training for something that there is a 99.9% chance that we will never do.

But you’ll be prepared in case it does happen is what mom always said “just like the Scouting Motto Be Prepared”

 

3.      WWWDWOA?  (what would we do without acronyms?)

Aren’t you glad that mom had the forethought to start you training with the “code names” before you went into the Navy… “Evac Kit” “Company Clean”

 

4.      Taking simple daily tasks and breaking them down into nuclear physics before doing them.

A place for everything & everything in it’s place… sharing the washing & drying & putting away of dishes with your sister & sorting the laundry & all those wonderful chores that you each had a part to do to get it done…

 

5.      Having to attend a brief prior to carrying out any task more complicated than picking my nose.

Gee mom only made a list of the chores she wanted you to do while she was out at work & have done by the time she got home

 

6.      Being a personal servant (that's basically all I am) to any one of the 300 thousand people in the navy who out-rank me.

What you should be an expert at that… you remember having to turn the channel to the TV before the days of the remote control & going downstairs to bring up what's needed from the basement

 

7.      Being a grown man and having somebody inspecting me everyday to make sure I shaved, put my clothes on properly, and put my shoes on the right feet.

You were busy complaining when I told you that your bed wasn’t made & that you needed to tuck in your shirt & put on some pants that didn’t sag & see it does matter that your hair be presentable

 

8.      Where else would I have the chance to be stuck on a ship with a couple hundred people in the middle of nowhere for six months at a time?

Is this really any worse than having to share your bedroom with your big sister?

 

9.      Standing "watch."

Ok you remember all those times that you had to Stand in the Corner for misbehaving… well that was training for Standing Watch… at least the scenery is more interesting for you to look at while you’re doing it now

 

10.  Being guaranteed at least two hours of sleep for every 24 hour period of time.

Gee now you know what it was like for your dear old mom who was breast feeding you the 1^st 18 months of your life & having to wake up to feed you every 2 hours like a clock in the middle of the night

 

11.  Getting relieved late after standing watch for four hours with a bullet-proof vest on, a 20lb helmet, and a 20lb rifle in the middle of a typical Floridian summer day.

Did you remember to put on your sunscreen honey? watch out for those trees & fire hydrants that jump out at you unexpected when you’re riding your bike across the street instead of walking it across like mama told you – see all that protective gear you complained about as a kid was just training for this

 

12.  Having to wear a "cover," or hat, every time I want to go outside.

Mom wanted you to make sure that you didn’t catch a cold besides you keep forgetting to get your hair cut

 

13.  I love cleaning the same places over and over and over until either the paint comes off or my hands are bleeding.

Gee you only had to clean the bathroom once a week at home

 

14.  I couldn't live without having to write a "request-chit" to do anything other than breathe or wipe my ass, only to have it disapproved and turned down with a lame ass reason as to why they turned it down.

Told you that “Not Everyone is doing it” & we’re only trying to make sure that you stay out of trouble & "No you can’t stay out past curfew" should have all prepared you for this – besides that those kids who I don’t like are going to be there anyway & they're only going to be getting you in trouble

 

15.  Where else do you get the chance to spend every night in a bed the size of a shelf in a typical closet?

See the top bunk was training for you & I told you not to jump off from it you really can’t fly like superman or buzz light-year from toy story so you're all set on how to not bump your head on the ceiling

 

16.  Without the navy's influence and good teaching, I would never have realized that you can sweep water with a broom for hours every time it rains.

LOL mom only made you sweep the snow off the front & back porches

 

17.  There just isn't that many jobs out there where you can rest assured that everyone you work for is just waiting to screw you over any way they possibly can.

So now you’re going to stop complaining about your big sister?

 

18.  If I got out, I would surely miss the idea of waking up every morning for "muster."

So now you’ll stop complaining about mom trying to wake you up for church?

 

19.  Standing duty.

See above #9 about your standing in the corner was training for Standing Watch

 

20.  If you really want to have fun in life the best way is to go live on a ship all year round even when it is in port, and only go visit your relatives and friends back home once or twice a year, after begging for three months for your boss to let you go and rescheduling your trip 3 times to fit the ship's schedule.

See how being told that you have to wait for us to find out when dad’s vacation was going to be has come in handy – got you used to being told that hey uumm well vacation isn’t going to happen as planned cause dad couldn’t get off as he had hoped or the car needed to be repaired so that blew the vacation money

 

21.  Knowing what words like "scuttlebutt" and "bulkhead" actually mean.

Mom won’t wash out your mouth out with soap for using those words either

 

22.  Getting to wear civilian clothes whenever I am not on the ship.

Mom would still love to show you off in your spiffy clean uniform though to all of her friends & family & church 'cause she's sooo proud of her baby boy looking sharp in his uniform with the medals & pins ... what are all those ribbons for again?

 

23.  Getting to eat meat that comes in boxes labeled “not fit for human consumption" and "for institutional use only."

No more complaining about mom’s leftovers at least you know that she got it from the store sometime in the past 2 months before she took it out of the deep freezer & made meatloaf for dinner & then recycled the meatloaf into spaghetti later & all of the cans fit into a hand to be opened by a regular can opener & were eaten in the one meal

 

24.  Where else would you have the chance to be out at sea for 38 days straight, about ten miles off the coast of the Virgin Islands and not pull into a port once?  What really made that great was that the captain told us we were going to pull in every week, then we never did.  It is really good for your mental health to be strung-along like that.

See all those Golden Arches that you passed as we were driving along was the perfect training for this… by the time you realized that we weren’t going to stop we were home & ready for nap time

 

25.  Getting "random" drug tests every couple of weeks.  I was "randomly" picked for every test for almost two years straight.  Not many people can testify to taking about 50 drug tests in the past two years without having ever been caught doing drugs in my life.

Well maybe they think like mom… just cause we didn’t catch you yet we know that the gas tank was fuller than that when we parked it a couple of days ago or case of beer is disappearing too fast each month & the liquor in the cabinet is tasting like it’s been watered down so it’s one of you kids that’s got to be taking it … just got to catch ‘em one of these days…

 

26.  Waking up every morning and going to "quarters" where a piece of paper is read to me even though it is posted on the wall and on the ships internet, both of which I have access to. I guess I can't read.

Well they know just like we mom’s know… yeah you might be ABLE to READ but most likely if we don’t Tell you then you most likely will try to say that you didn’t SEE the paper in the 1^st place

 

27.  Blowing compressed air throughout every crack and dust/dirt/asbestos/germ filled crevice in a space with no ventilation and spending the rest of the day in that space.  Preferably, the space would be filled with dust and dirt that has been building up for at least 20 years.

But it has to be cleaned out & if it’s done regularly then there shouldn’t be dirt & dust in the 1^st place – that why mom told you to clean it right the 1^st time & you won’t have to worry about it being a mess so fast

 

28.  Going to medical complaining of severe heart and chest pain after completing REASON #27, and being told to come back during "sick-call" the next day.

Now are you Really sick or are you just saying that so you don’t have to take that math exam that you didn’t study for?

 

29.  Wearing the same uniform as an auto-mechanic and having to iron it everyday and get a new one every time it gets a stain on it so that you are inspection-ready.

Mom told you how to properly clean those stains but I guess you didn’t pay attention & yes all those days of ironing has paid off did you remember the starch trick & hanging the stuff neatly on the hanger after you take it out of the dryer will help keep the wrinkles down so that you don’t have iron so much?

 

30.  I love the fact that my opinion has about as much influence as my sister's pet iguana's.  The only opinions that matter come from people wearing khakis.

Well you should be used to that too… remember that mom & dad said that when we want your opinion we’ll give it to you or maybe ask your sister (she already knows the answer we told her when she asked the same thing)

 

31.  Because no matter how much I hate my job, I have to respectfully request to get a different one.  Even then it is only if my "chain of command" permits.

 Might help if you use that magic word mom was always trying to get you to remember too

 

32.  You do not have to respect the person; you have to respect what they wear on their collar.

Mom told you this about Acting Respectful to your elders even if you don’t like them anyway so you should know this - at least they aren't pinching your cheeks or trying to give you bear hugs or saying "My how much you've grown since we last saw you" 

 

33.  I love living in a room with 80 other guys; half of which cannot lift a toilet seat to piss and don't have a clue what a shower is for.

Gee now you have an idea of what your mom & sister were complaining about

 

34.  Having the bedroom, showers, and toilettes for the above listed 80 guys in one stinky room.

See Above #33

 

35.  I hate sleeping. Go Navy ! Yeah f*cking right.

Now you know all those late nites that mom told you to turn off the lights & TV & go to bed you need your sleep you didn’t seem to mind staying up then??? I thought you said “a Good Nights Sleep was Over Rated”

 

36.  I love the fact that the military wonders why we have so many people around the world that hate our country.  I am sure that us being bullies and telling the world what they can and cannot do, then ignoring those rules ourselves has nothing to do with it

 well you know the old saying - if you didn't vote then don't complain about the politics of the country - you contributed to the problem if you didn't vote

 

37.  I hate good food.

 yeah you always complained about having leftovers for lunch & homemade burgers, & homemade soup & cakes & big thick pancakes

 

38.  I love the “you are U.S. ambassadors" speech.

You have been trained by years of not listening to mom to be able to able to selectively listen since she gave many similar speeches about how your behavior & dress reflect upon the family

 

39.  I hate spending time with my family.

Yeah but we love you any way

 

40.  Not only getting to do my own job, but getting stuck with as many collateral duties as my chain of command wants to give me.

Well you know how mom feels after giving you the chore list to do while she was at work but you didn’t get the stuff done so when mom gets home she’s got extra work to do because while she was at work you & your friends made extra dirty dishes & ate the hamburger she was planning

 

41.  "SWEEPERS, SWEEPERS, MAN YOUR BROOMS. GIVE THE SHIPA CLEAN SWEEP DOWN FORE AND AFT. SWEEP DOWN ALL LOWER DECKS, LADDER-BACKS AND PASSAGEWAYS.  TAKE ALL TRASH TO RECEPTICLES PROVIDED ON THE PIER.  NOW SWEEPERS"

Gee mom didn’t have such a nice poetic tune such as that – she just fussed at you to get your sleeping butt outta bed & clean up that pig stye called a bed room we’ve got company coming

 

42.  Having to change your computer password every two weeks to keep terrorists from hacking into our email or printing PQS or even playing an innocent game of solitaire.

Gee reminder of the days of trying to attempt to keep you off the internet at the house from keeping those game sites that you were going to that kept putting viruses on the home puter

 

43.  Having a "PQS"(personnel qualification standard) for any job you might have to do more complicated than itching your nuts.

Mom only did the sniff test “smells clean ok pass” or & on special occasions the lift up the covers to check under the bed or even the move the hamper test to see if the floor was actually mopped entirely

 

44.  I love the fact that you get paid more if you have more kids to take care of.  I call it the "crack-head reproduction incentive." This encourages thousands of young sailors less mature than most ten-year olds to have as many kids as possible.

 Mom told you to stay away from those girls who are hanging around base since it's due to them that such a rule was put into place - they want that paycheck from Uncle Sam - Just say NO!

 

45.  There just aren't many fields to work in where adultery is considered to be a good thing to put on your eval.

Have they changed the rules or has this been mis-typed meaning that Adultery is something which would be even mentioned on your eval & reason for denying your pay raise & possible reason for not only being fired but being arrested or in the least a demotion & moved to a less desirable job location?

 

46.  Because no-one outside of the navy speaks our particular brand of english.  Try explaining how you swabbed the deck on the forecastle(but only the slick-deck), while field daying.  And how the head was OOC so you had to get water for the cadillac from the scuttlebutt, but seaman Jones was sky-larking so you had to put him on report...I mean Whiskey Tango Foxtrot:  it's enough to make you say FTN.

But then again mom won’t wash your mouth out with soap when you’re complaining about seaman Jones now that you’ve learned such colorful language

 

47.  I want a job that will not allow me to go home and see the birth of my child.  I think that it would be cool to have four kids and not see any of their births.

 See #44 above

 

48.  Hey, at least you can retire from the navy in twenty years. When you get out you can go work at a company with a former third class that you treated like shit, only difference form then and now is that he will be your boss.

 He was smart enough to get trained in a field that had job potential on the outside & then use his GI Bill education fund to get that education so he's been working up while you were stuck in the Navy treating the lower ranks like crap - remember mom told you that what goes around comes around & God don't like ugly so be nice on your way up the ladder of success

 

49.  When you get out you will only be 38-40. You still have your entire life ahead of you.  Yeah, okay, I want my life to start at 38.

Ahhh but you would only have wasted so many good years fooling around trying to find yourself anyway so you save time by not needing to have a Mid Life Crisis by being in the Navy for 20 yrs

 

50.  I like to watch the same movies over and over for six months straight because that is the only form of entertainment I have.

Cable isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be = 200+ channels & still it’s the same old movies that you’ve already got on tape somewhere

 

51.  "Excuse me, I noticed that you have exceptionally large shit-stains on your underwear...would you like to do our laundry together?

 told you to do your laundry more often & use lotion to get rid of all skid marks before they happen

 

52.  What?  You are going on leave?  You better go and shave before you leave this ship.

 see mom always told you to go out clean & you did put on clean underwear too right? you never know what might happen

 

53.  Oh, look...There's the boss.  We better all stand at attention until he tells us we can move.  Do they do that in the civilian world too?

 well no but we did tell you to sit or stand up straight when you were in school or church while they were saying prayers

 

54.  Is that local time or Zulu?

 I guess you were on Zulu time when you missed curfew or we asked you to get up in the Morning??

 

55.  I want to work somewhere that has total control of my paycheck so that they can take half if I mess up.

 gee we didn't get that trained into you hard enough I guess when it came to holding back on the allowance?

 

56.  If I get in trouble out in town I would like to get woken up the next day at 6 am and have to stand in front of my boss, manager, assistant manager, and anyone else who has nothing better to do so that they can all chew my ass.

Sorta like having to hear Mom & Dad chew you out while big sister stands trying not to laugh out loud after you got caught

 

57.  Please seclude me from the outside world for six months; I want no news, no sports, and no word from home because you cut off my e-mail.  Thank you, may I have another?

 well sounds like being grounded for a couple of weeks wasn't as bad - maybe we should've had longer ones so you'd be better trained for this?

 

58.  Can we be tested to make sure we are physically-fit every six months, only please make exceptions to this for enormously fat 30+ year old first classes and above.

 have you looked at the police forces around the country lately - they follow the same policy

 

59.  "Sorry guys, the fog is too heavy for us to pull in.  I guess we'll have to just anchor out and look and the basin all night.

 hhhmmm we didn't have weather that bad but I do recall changing plans due to your chores not being done on time

 

60.  It's always fun to try and explain what a Petty Officer is to civilians(those not affiliated with the military(I.e.  99.5% of the population.)  The literal meaning:  Petty: of small importance or consequence; trifling, trivial.  Officer:  a person appointed to a position of authority or command in the armed forces.  So someone who commands something of small importance?  Not only that but you get to have grades of Petty Authority.  Petty Authority Second Class or Third Class.  How much importance can that actually have?

 Hhhmmm well it's sorta like having a big sister or brother telling you what to do all the time now isn't it - but hey at least you did outrank the 4 cats & 1 dog we had when you were growing up

 

61.  Where else can you pay taxes to pay your own paycheck?

 only city, state & other government workers can relate to this one since their salaries are paid out of taxes as well

 

62.  You take an oath to support and defend the Constitution, and after that the Constitution doesn't even apply to you.

Now stop complaining – Mom told you this isn’t a democracy - so you should've been fully prepared for that - where do you think she learned how to run a "tight ship" on the discipline & rules, granddaddy was in the military too

 

63.  We spend weeks honing our skills at making our ship air-tight and then when it rains water gets in.

 doesn't that mean that you guys need to work harder on honing your skills to make it "air-tight"?

 

64.  Because only during magic shows and navy working hours are the rules of logic suspended.

 you forgot also the minds of teenagers on this list

 

65.  Because no-matter how stupid you are, you will eventually get promoted by accumulating points for not getting promoted.

 ok this only happens in the public school system & the military - the rest of the world just passes you by or fires your lazy butt

 

66.  Because where else can you get your teeth drilled and fucked up whether they need it or not ?

 by the way did you have to get all 4 of your "Wisdom" teeth pulled out yet? but look at the bright side - it's free dental work so get it all done now rather than having to pay for it later

 

67.  I like constantly fighting the gravitational pull from leaning 10 degrees one way ALL the time.

 hhhmmm this sounds sorta similar to how we felt trying to get you out of bed while the clock was still saying am

 

68.  I like getting my mail two months late.

 Well it's been over 2 yrs & we've still not gotten those postcards that you said that you were going to send

 

69.  Nothing beats being told that you can't email your family and friends, unless you wear a tan belt.  Again Go Navy...f*ck that too.

 Great that you are at least wearing a belt now so that your pants aren't falling off your butt - so now it's time to consider writing out those postcards that you promised to send on a regular

 

70.  Where else can you get given shots by people who claim to practice medicine that didn't even graduate from high school, and can't even pronounce the name of the drug that they are injecting you with?

Scares you that these folks are what’s running our veteran’s hospitals – no wonder that the poor guys are getting screwed while trying to get rehabbed into better health – those people aren’t allowed to practice medicine outside of the military

 

71.  Because if you've had enough military bullshit for one lifetime and you want to quit, you can rest assured that the navy will do everything it can to fuck you over for the rest of your life.

Of course that girl your mom warned you to stay away from is the only one who’s going to make your life an even worse hell so it kinda puts things in perspective

 

72.  Because it's fun to go to medical to get your eye checked out and have the corpsman point a light in your eye for ten minutes until you are blind and then to hear them say, "that was cool, let's try the other one."

 hey didn't you do that when you were home to your sister?

 

73.  Why did our parents even bother giving us first names?

 well it's not like you ever actually answered until we yelled your full name anyway - you knew by the time we got to the last name you had better answer - I guess the navy decided to simply cut to the rest of the names out

 

74.  IN what other job can you do things NOT the RIGHT WAY, but the NAVY WAY?

 or another way that it might be phrased is - It's the Way that it's done in this family we don't care how the other kids do it at their houses this is the way we want it done - "just do it the way you were told to"... "cause we're the adults that's why"

 

75.  Sitting around twiddling my thumbs all day long until about 4:00pm, even though I finished all of my work by ten in the morning is really fun to do every FUCKING DAY...it builds character.

This is actually preparing you for standing in line for the airlines &  DMV paperwork since the gov’t in it’s wisdom to downsize has fired & allowed to be fired the personnel that’s needed to run things efficiently

 

76.  Where else does the Super Bowl Halftime Show incorporate five-minute long commercials about suicide prevention and "Name that State" trivia?

Mom made you learn those state capitals now did you remember that Neither Mexico nor Canada are part of the 50 states?

 

77.  Who really wants to have any control over their life anyway?

Mom told you that it’s not all that fun anyway being a grown up having to pay bills & stuff

 

78.  I want to eat nothing but fish and/or chicken and rice as the main course of every meal for six months straight.

So no more complaining about rice & beans or mac & cheese? 

 

79.  After I work diligently for twenty years at the same job I want to get promoted to the statues of "chief" so that I can share an office with 30 other people that is called the "goat locker." Preferably, this office will not have a view.

 

Great that you are finally showing that you do in fact have some aspirations dad & I were getting worried that you were suffering from terminal Under-Acheivement-itis

 

 

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