FW: Weekly Marriage Builder, November 05, 2006: Be Angry...But Learn to Deal With It

Thought this was worth passing on

-----Original Message-----
From: Jimmy Evans - MarriageToday [mailto:jimmy@marriagetoday.org]
Sent: Sunday, November 05, 2006 1:05 AM
Subject: Weekly Marriage Builder, November 05, 2006: Be Angry...But Learn to
Deal With It

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WEEKLY "MARRIAGE BUILDER" EMAIL

Presented by MarriageToday with Jimmy & Karen

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Dear theresa,

Conflict resolution skills are critical for us to learn. The reason is
because we are sure to have conflict in marriage. Without the ability to
successfully resolve our problems, anger and emotional distance builds over
time.

Every marriage has problems, even good marriages. The difference between a
good and a bad marriage is simply the ability to work through our problems.
The good news is every person can learn the skills of successful conflict
resolution. Regardless of the mistakes you may have made in the past, you
can turn your marriage and life around by learning these skills. By the
way, conflict resolution skills don't just work in marriage they help us in
every relationship.

Because this issue is so important, I'm going to spend the next several
weeks explaining to you the different skills involved in dealing with
problems when they occur. I'm going to begin by talking about how to deal
with your anger.

Ephesians 4:26 says, "Be angry, and do not sin, do not let the sun go down
on your anger..." NKJV The first thing the Apostle Paul tells us about
dealing with anger is that we must acknowledge it. He says, "Be angry...".
Denying anger doesn't make it go away, it makes it build up
until it explodes in a destructive and unmanageable manner.

When Karen and I got married, we didn't know how to deal with our anger. We
both stuffed a lot of it inside and about every three months we would have
an explosive fight. Sometimes our fights were about the dumbest little
things but they were just the spark that caused the stored up anger inside
of us to explode.

What we learned over time is that we couldn't go to bed on anger. We not
only learned to accept our own anger but we also learned that we had to give
each other the right to be angry and to express anger. In dysfunctional
relationships, there is always a wrong method of dealing with anger. The
range goes from an explosive anger that damages others to an enabling spouse
who lives in the fear of their own anger and what might happen if they were
honest about it. Many people live in fear of their own anger and their
spouse's anger. This is one of the ways you know you aren't resolving
conflict properly.

Anger isn't necessarily good or bad it's just real. As human beings we get
angry. Sometimes it is because we've been genuinely violated. In other
cases, it's because we're immature or have unrealistic expectations or are
selfish. When I'm angry and need to get it out I'm
not claiming that I'm right, I'm just angry.

Learning to be honest about your anger and allowing your spouse to do
the same is the first step in successful conflict resolution. Remember,
Paul said, "Be angry and do not sin..." Once you are able to accept your
anger you must also commit to doing the right thing with it. You can never
use your anger to justify unrighteous behavior. The end doesn't justify the
means. How you resolve conflict is crucial. It must be done in a manner
that honors God and treats your spouse with dignity and care.

Next week I'm going to share another important skill in resolving conflict.
Until then I encourage you to examine your own heart about your
relationship with anger and how you deal with it. If you're married, I
would encourage you to have a discussion with your spouse about this issue.
If trouble breaks out I'll see you next week!

Blessings,

Jimmy Evans

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